It’s probably not about you.
We’ve all had this moment: we are let down by someone we love, misunderstood by a new acquaintance, disappointed by a critical comment said to us at work. Betrayal. Belittling. The list goes on and on. The ego is kicked off its throne of self-assurance into a puddle of doubt and insecurity.
When someone makes you feel inadequate, remember this: it’s mostly not about you. It doesn’t mean we don’t take responsibility if we fell through on our side of things. But, the reality is, people are generally so driven by their own wants, needs, agendas, unexamined beliefs, etc. that the times where they are most critical and unloving is most certainly a reflection of their own fears, past hurts and conditioning. People project. We all do. Which leads me to my next point...
The real kicker here is the correlated reality: your own response may not be completely about them. It may be rooted in past trauma, past rejection, past wounds that are amplified in this moment of vulnerability. The old recording of “I knew this would happen, this always happens…” might kick on. This is one of the ways in which we “story our world”- to borrow an idea from James Hollis. Your inner child may be activated and ready to throw a tantrum. These are the moments that take so much work to objectively observe. It helps to have a trusted loved one to talk through the big feelings in these moments. Or a journal to unload your feelings and parse through them later. Or even going back to self-care habits that can help you return to a place of regulated emotions and thinking. And let’s not forget: nothing can replace the valuable insight of a therapist. My message here is one of tenderness- find a way to return to it, remember how worthy you are of it. Tend to the heart and ask yourself the honest questions.